your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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