ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She bit a glass in half.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
