I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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