One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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