After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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