i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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