I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
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So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
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I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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