from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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