Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
