Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
