dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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