and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
