I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
