Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
