is your mom at the bar?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
