The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
