her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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