Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
