my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
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u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
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took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.