Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
this boner is exhausting
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.