I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
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She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
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I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities