i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...