dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
