I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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