im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
