I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
