Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
