i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
