I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
