Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
