The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
