hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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