dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
