My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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