there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize