dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize