these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
