I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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