Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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