i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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