how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
