i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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