Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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