On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I am available for nakedness
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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