Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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