I heard we made out
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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