And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
