when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Randomize
