Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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