You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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