I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I think my moral compass just broke
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