My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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