There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just invented taco cereal.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
