i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
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we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
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It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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