I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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