I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
