Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
