Umm I'm too high to move.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
