I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
