I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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