I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
