I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
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I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
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We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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