Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
